In Hi Fidelity, Kool John makes lists. The subject of the movie is the Top Five Worst Breakups list. Well, at least that's the vehicle via which he explores his immaturity when it comes to his relationships with women.
The lists are mostly about music since the main character owns a music store. The Top Five Side 1's. The Top Five Track 1's. The Top Five Songs About Death.
So I'm hanging out around Cunningham Falls last weekend with a buddy. Cunningham Falls is like Frederick's version of Great Falls. But no kayaks.
It was just gorgeous. We got there right after the skies had opened wide and dumped their contents upon the July fourth lull. The late afternoon promised at least a few good hours of hot sun without the threat of more storms.
We chose the difficult path up the mountain to reach the top of the falls. What we discussed on the way up I don't recall. It might have been deep. I'm not sure.
Once at the falls, we teetered through some cold water and climbed up on some big boulders in order to claim a small but private piece of territory where we could nap in the sunlight.
And we did.
The heat of the sun warmed our tired bodies and the symphony of summer serenaded our tired minds. The children splashing and shrieking, the water crashing and falling...the swirl of happy sounds relaxed us.
So we just lay there. Allowing the late summer day to pass.
And eventually it was time to walk back. And we chose the easier path. And we talked about pie. We could manage the walk back because we would get pie at a local restaurant known for its homemade flavor.
"What's your favorite," my buddy asked.
"Apple," I responded, without thinking.
A lazy debate ensued over whether there could be pumpkin pie on July 4th. Whether a restaurant with a million pies would have pumpkin pie in July. Whether one's favorite should be something seasonal given the limited access one has to it.
And then buddy boy told me about his lists. He has a book of lists. All sorts of lists.
And so we listed while we walked. But we agreed to stay away from music lists because they require too much knowledge of trivia.
We started with easy stuff.
"What's your favorite candy?"
You'd think it would be easy.
Not so.
"What's your favorite candy?" asked the naive babe with the long red hair.
"Are we including chocolate in the category?" asked buddy boy with the seriousness of a surgeon preparing for a full body transplant.
The naive babe, not being a chocolate person, told the buddy it was his choice. Being an diehard chocolate person, he declared that there would be a list for favorite chocolate candy and a separate - but equal - list for non-chocolate candy.
We both agreed on m&m's. Peanut. And we agreed on Snickers. Preferably frozen. But the agreement stopped there. Because he really loves chocolate. And he knows chocolate. When I named Tootsie Rolls as my number one chocolate, buddy boy lunged for the rule book.
"Tootsie Rolls aren't real chocolate!!"
Luckily we never got to favorite cookies. I would have been scared to tell him that I prefer Tuxedos to Oreos. Even I know they're not real chocolate.
The non-chocolate candy category went much better.
My top five were almost exclusively jelly-type candies. Swedish fish, licorice, Dots, stuff like that. And, of course, Tootsie Rolls. Since they had been dramatically - and traumatically - banned forever from the chocolate category.
We covered other top fives. Favorite movies. Favorite shows.
And then it got a bit deeper.
What five moments would you choose to relive?
Oooohhh. That's a tough one. We both got stuck after having one or two jump out at us.
I would want to relive the first time I realized I was truly in love with a boy. Not a crush, but really in love with someone who loves you back.
I may have just been a little drunk that night, but it was just such a sweet fuzzy moment. Right there on M Street in 1984. In the Bistro Francais. Somewhere between french onion soup - which I guess they just call onion soup in a french restaurant, right? - and salmon mousse....I remember just thinking "hey, this feels different." It was new and strange and incredibly neat. I remember feeling very much in the moment. Like there was no other place I wanted to be. And I wanted that night to last forever.
I would also want to relive a night that my cousin J and I spent in the hospital with our grandmother. She was so sick. We weren't sure she'd make it that night and we stayed up all night watching to see if she'd pull through. It was a long night and we experienced every possible emotion. I wish I could go back and savor those hours more so that I could remember them better.
My buddy boy came up with one or two pretty quickly also. But then we both got stuck. We wondered if it hurts to go back. We wondered if the process of romanticizing the past enables you to live with the past. Whether going back would hurt if you saw something that embarassed you or shamed you. Whether you'd regret something you did or didn't do. Whether you'd think you were stupid. Knowing now what you know.
We decided we didn't want to go back for anything. Not even those one or two best times.
So the new list was regrets. What are your top five regrets.
Another lousy question.
Unless, I guess you just have one. Like one big one. Like on Lifetime Television. Like that one girl who got away and now you know that you should have married her. But maybe it's a guy who got away and you forgot to marry him. It's an equal opportunity crappy question.
Man. I hated that question.
What's the major stuff in your life? What you did. What you didn't do. Who you did. Who you didn't do. Where you went. And so on.
The thing about regrets is that you either have them or you don't.
It's one thing to regret a mistake. Like a real, very obvious mistake.
Like the time you killed a person. Or cheated. Or lied in court and got thrown in jail for five years. I'd regret if I did one of those things. Unless, of course, I had a compelling reason.
But I haven't done anything as dramatic as that.
My actions - or lack of actions - have all been very personal. And private. They've all been the result of different factors. Sometimes I've taken action - or failed to take action - based on a deliberate thoughtful strategic decision. Sometimes I've acted based on information. Sometimes lack of information. Sometimes, mostly earlier in my life, I acted in an effort to please others. Or placate others. Or fend off others. Sometimes I acted just to avoid other actions. Or avoid consequences.
I look back and wonder what would have happened if I had taken different routes. What if I had turned the other way when presented with the fork in the road?
The thing is, there's no way to know what would have happened.
I don't regret much of what I've done. There are a few people I should have spent less time with. A few jobs I should have left a little earlier. A few conversations I should have steered clear of. A few outfits I had no right to wear.
As for the bigger stuff, it's too overwhelming to consider. Should I have pursued a different career? A different area of study? Should I have moved away from my family? Should I have stayed with one particular boyfriend?
Changing the answer to any one of those questions changes the entire picture of my life. It's completely confusing. And potentially depressing. Especially on a day when one thing or another isn't going so well.
But generally speaking, I see how everything in my life fits. Everything - even the yucky stuff - seems to make sense in terms of what I gained and what I learned.
Mostly, I'm just grateful. Though I wish I had understood at the age of 20 what I understand today, I'm grateful that I have attained this level of understanding at all. And this level of peace. And this level of happiness.
And I honestly don't see how I could be where I am today without having experienced what I have in my life. I may not have enjoyed everything in my life, but it was all necessary to get me here. Take one thing away and you pull out a piece of who I am now. Change one part of my past and you change me.
I used to worry about where I was headed. I used to worry about what was next. That was before I learned the importance of focusing on the moment. And living in the moment. That was before I learned to be here. Not in the past and not in the future.
It's almost a year since I left the corporate environment. In a month, Boo and I will move out of Reston to be on our own. To build a new Barbie Dream House. A lot has changed.
Someone suggested I had wasted my time.
I disagreed.
Someone asked if I had any regrets.
I said no.
There's not one minute of the last many years that I would change. And if I could, I would do it all again. Exactly the same.
So I can't name my Top Five Regrets.
And I'm confident I'll never be able to.
There's a bunch of writing out there warning us about living our lives before we're too old or too dead to do the things we wished we'd done.
One of the first such urgings came from Nadine Stair at the age of 85 in her essay I'd Pick More Daisies. Ms. Stair said that if she had her life "to live over," she'd make more mistakes, eat more ice cream, start barefooted earlier in the spring, play hooky more and watch more sunsets, among other things.
Erma Bombeck followed up just before her death with similar sentiments. "I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded."
As long as I'm a good, diligent person who's acting in a smart, reasonable and responsible manner, I know I won't regret my actions. But being good, diligent, smart, reasonable and responsible only gets you so far. I really hope I live up to the loftier - and far more important - standards of Erma and Nadine.