Stop reading right now if you don't feel like hearing a lecture.
And guys? Stop reading right now if you're goal is not to get laid.
Okay.
Anybody left?
Here goes.
What's up with "I don't drink coffee"..? What is up with that?
I know I'm being picky here. And I know I'll get a crapload of complaints about this line of query. But p-u-l-l-e-a-s-e!!!
Here's the scenario: someone suggests we get together. A friend, a potential love-interest, a family member, a hobbit....anyone. They say "let's get together."
I say "Sure!!" - I suggest "Let's go for coffee."
They say "I don't drink coffee."
Okay. Time out for cool off.
Just give me a minute to breathe.
Okay, I'm ready to talk calmly.
HELLO?????????
When I said "let's go for coffee," I wasn't demanding a written guarantee that you actually imbibe the liquid made famous by Juan Valdez.
"Let's go for coffee" means let's go to a coffee-type place. Let's try to go there together. At the same time. Same day.
"Let's go for coffee" means let's go somewhere where we can sit and talk and chill without ordering a big meal or being surrounded by lots of commotion.
"Let's go for coffee" is a concept, baby.
So couldn't you just say yes?
You said you wanted to get together. You said you wanted to just sit and talk and chill. You - like me - said that low key was good.
So just say yes, damn it!
Like Nike says, "Just Say Yes!"
Or is that the drugs and teens campaign?
Anyway, please just say yes. And then just show up. And guess what! Wherever we are, be it Starbucks or Panera's or Cosi or Quartermaine's or Joe's Hole in the Wall, there will be non-coffee drinks. I swear. And I am prepared to make that a personal guarantee.
Last I checked, Starbucks had a variety of non-coffee drinks.
They had bottled water, tap water, hot water, cold water. They had a fridge section full of organic juices, fancy ginger ale and healthy teas (next to the three dollar yogurts). They had fruity frozen drink things (you must try the Tazoberry), cider, hot chocolate, orange and tangerine smoothies and a really cool concoction called a Vanilla Creme. But there was more!! There was the Coconut Creme and Chocolate Malt Creme too!!
As for Cosi....
Okay. I volunteer to let it go. Not a frequent action on my part, but I know I'm losing you. So I am officially letting it go.
BUT...
Not before I say just one little thing.
You don't drink?
I've heard this lately too.
"Are you free sometime this week?"
"Sure. I'd love to have a drink."
"I don't drink."
Alright, I won't rant and rave.
But, really. Come on. Be real. Get with it. Give me a break.
Why in the world does someone tell me they don't drink?
Not to be too tough of a bitch, but, to quote my favorite Tommy Lee Jones moment,
I don't care.
Hold on. Let me try that again.
I DON'T CARE.
Better?
How many takes do you think he needed for the perfect delivery of that line? Part of me guesses like twenty. Part of me would bet that Tommy Lee Jones probably gets it perfect the first time.
I (pause...one two) DON'T (pause...one two) CARE (pause. silence).
Man, that line just makes the movie. At that point you just know that Tommy Lee Jones will ultimately set Dr. Richard Kimble free.
Oops. Getting off track.
The point is, as much as I love the people I hang out with, I really don't care what they drink. I just want to drink with them. Or, shall I say, I just want to be with them in a place where we're allowed to sit for a long time. And often that requires purchasing, at minimum, a drink.
I don't want to shop. I don't want to necessarily eat a meal. I just want the simple social task of sitting and imbibing. What they or we or I imbibe seems the most irrelevant part of the discussion.
Okay, I've said my peace.
Now I'm going to head out. I have a date. Maybe we'll drink. Maybe we won't. But it doesn't really matter. I've had enough to drink already today that I should be good for a while. Just in case drinking's not in the cards.
Then again, maybe we'll have to drink.
When he called, he asked if I wanted to go somewhere and talk.