I used to read personal ads for fun. But this was before the sophistication, mainstream popularity and instant gratification of online dating. This was back in the days of back-of-the-mag ISO's where embarassed folks secretively sent snail mail replies to other desperados who went by any variety of lengthy initials.
Maybe the first person to place a personal ad was an SWM - or an SWF - but within short order, there just weren't so many easily categorized loners.
Instead, it was more like SBCMHMJDMMWESHSII - Single Bi Curious Mixed Heritage Mostly Jewish Descent Married Male With Early Signs Herpes Simplex II
Reading the personals was like figuring out license plates.
Gee, what does that peculiar combination of consonants with one number thrown in mean? Is the number there to represent a numerical amount? Or am I supposed to say the number so the sound of the number reads lyrically into the whole word? Like the number 8 in GR8T?
Needless to say, reading ISO's provided me great fodder for avoiding real life. I had never realized people were so f&*$!ing weird. It was better than anything I ever saw on Lifetime.
I suppose I'm obligated to say Television for Women, right?
But guess what!
The ISO's only got better!
In the first years, people were just looking. Busy looking for someone by describing themselves.
But then, apparently, these same people figured out that they weren't limited to just describing themselves. They could also describe who they wanted. Yes, they could describe exactly who they wanted.
And you know who they wanted?
They wanted someone who didn't do whatever their last partner had done.
"...looking for man who actually understands the meaning of honesty..."
"..in search of mate who can be strong for me without inflicting bodily force..."
"...must understand that being together means being in the same room..."
The personal ads got really funny. And really sad. It was like witnessing some sort of sick secret therapy. Where people don't realize how much they're sharing.
And I always wanted to write to these people and suggest that they might actually consider investing in some therapy. If someone was looking to fall in love and the first thing on their mind was that any future mate had to agree that not lying was the most important priority, it just seems to me that loneliness wasn't their biggest issue.
But, then again, a lot of the folks out there seemed to be engaging in revenge dating.
I'm not saying I never participated in revenge dating. But if I did, I'm prepared to say that I do not recall.
I'm sure in my younger years I did the revenge thing. Why not? When you're young, you have lots of time and energy. Why not blow a bunch of nights and weekends going out just for the sake of going out? Why not spend a couple of weeks or months (or years) with someone you're not into but who provides you with companionship during the holidays? Why not make your ex jealous by having someone ready to fill his stinking shoes?
But these days, I guess I'm a bit more focused on the efficient and economical use of time, energy and resources. I'd hate to blow a night when I'm actually awake and alert with someone I don't actually care about. Those nights are so few. Even worse, I'd hate to introduce my friends and family to yet another person who they might accidentally invest some energy in. We're all on a limited energy budget these days.
No, I think my ISO would read something like this:
SHB (sometimes hot babe) seeking guy whose face lights up when I walk into the room.
Now, the ad is short enough that it's not spelled out, but I'd hope that the interested reader would figure out that I'd provide the same - my face would light up too.
So, is that too cliche? I hope not, because I think I finally appreciate how important that little piece of the puzzle is.
Now, part of me wonders how anyone wouldn't know that. If you've seen any Cary Grant movie in your lifetime (or even a Nora Ephron treatment - ), surely you comprehend the magic of the lit up face.
But do people really understand that the lighting up of one's face should be a daily thing and not something saved for the special occasion or end of a movie? Do people realize the power of that moment?
Had I toted a checklist when we first met, my most recent love would have failed the test.
He wasn't a foreign film afficionado, he didn't eat spicy food, he didn't derive sick pleasure from the tortures of the family love/hate dynamic, and he actually preferred to shower alone.
But damn if his face didn't light up whenever I walked into the room. Without fail.
And you know what? I could even hear it light up over the telephone. Kind of the way you can "hear" a person smile -
Over our years together, I realized that foreign films and spicy food were still a part of my life even if they weren't technically on his dating resume. And there were always ways to compromise on showers and other water-related cleansing rituals.
I had once thought those things mattered. I had placed great emphasis on objective measures of compatibility.
And don't get me wrong. I know that compatibility is important and that it's easier to stay with someone whose lifestyle and desires are compatible with yours.
But now that I'm in the market for a new love, I'm paying much less attention to the details of compatibility. I don't care what a guy watches or what he eats. And if a potential love interest wants to shower alone, that's okay. I don't know why anyone would want to shower alone, but it's really okay.
I surmise that's not the stuff that makes or breaks the union.
What I do know is that I harbor no regrets about any of the last several years. There were probably ups and downs. If I look hard enough, maybe there were problems in our relationship. But all I remember is the fact that our faces always lit up when we saw each other.