Or, shall I say, are you a do person or a don't person?
I used to be a don't person.
I don't do spicy. I don't do crowds. I don't do dressy. I don't do the beach. I don't do travel. I don't do weddings. I don't do big budget movies. I don't do shopping. I don't do shotgun. I don't do fruit. I don't do dressy. I don't do eye shadow. I don't do celebration of anything anywhere anytime anyhow.
And then I changed.
I'm not quite sure when. Or why. Or how. But I changed.
Maybe it was when I tasted Tai food. Or maybe it was when I saw Shawshank Redemption. Maybe it was when I found the perfect pair of embroidered black faux silk pants that enabled me to go to fancy functions without wearing clothes that weren't me.
Maybe it was when I realized that being a passenger is far preferable to being a driver. All I can say is: thank god for Sea Bands.
Or maybe it was when I got dubbed - among other things - the Rah Rah Girl at my previous office. All because I accidentally began making funny birthday cards for my coworkers' birthdays.
Hey, it's not my fault that there were four birthdays a week.
And it's not my fault that each birthday card presentation became associated with cake and singing.
But I will take credit for encouraging the "CHA CHA CHA" after each refrain of "Happy Birthday to You." That was just fun.
The point is that at some point I changed.
I went from being the quintessential NO girl to the ultimate YES girl.
"Want to grab a bite"
"Yes"
"Italian okay"
"Sure."
"Should I pick you up in ten minutes?"
"Sounds good."
Saying yes was liberating. My world became wider, broader, more diverse. Everything became an option. Thinking became less necessary.
Best of all, I discovered things I'd never experienced because I said I didn't do them.
And who knew that I'd love Indian food? Who'd have thought that I'd look good with brown glitter shadow just below the brow? Who'd have guessed that I'd enjoy wearing a fancy beaded stiletto from time to time?
So how did this change happen? Dunno. Maybe I just lost track of who or what I was rebeling against. Maybe I just forgot what I hated.
I'm not sure.
But if I'm really honest with myself, I can guess why I changed.
I was tired of being scared. Tired of fearing discomfort. Tired of fearing the what if of the unknown? What if I went somewhere and didn't like it? What if I went somewhere and wanted to leave? What if I went somewhere and something went wrong?
Luckily, at some point, I figured it out.
Literally.
The worst case scenario is always that you figure it out.
If you don't like the movie you leave. If you don't like the food, you order something else. If you don't like the town you've traveled to, you drive a little further to the next town. If the wedding stinks, you drink a little extra and find the funniest or cutest person there with whom you pass the time.
The worst case scenario is easy because you're never really stuck. You can always leave. Nothing major is lost if you decide to go left when going right just doesn't look good or feel good.
My change may have been helped along because of running.
When I was ready to transition from short runs to long runs, I knew it. I was itching to keep going after the traditional three to five miles. I just wanted to go. To go farther. To see what was out there.
But I experienced the same old anxieties.
What if I go too far? What if I get tired? What if I get bored? Hungry? What if I get hurt? What if I have to pee and there's still five miles to go?
At some point I realized that none of the what ifs matter.
I learned to carry money. And I learned to carry food and water. Or run in close proximity to stores where I could purchase food and water. I learned that you can stop if you're tired. I learned that you can walk if you want to. I learned you can hop on the metro if the rain's too heavy. I learned that thunderstorms usually don't last long. I learned to adapt to changes in my environment.
I learned to just run. And to have faith that I could satisfy my needs as I experienced them.
And the beautiful thing is this:
After I started running the big miles, I realized that I had fewer needs than I had thought. And far fewer needs than I had feared.
And I was free.
Free from everything.
But shrimp.
I still had to say no to shrimp. Unless I wanted to spend the night in the emergency room.
And I still said no to drugs. You know...because of those damn commercials. They're very effective.
And I still said no to speeding, wild boys and loud clubs. Some things just never feel right.
Luckily, even with those major no's in my life, I was still free. And being free was amazing.
But, of course, being free came with a price. The proverbial down side. Or is that the downer side?
What a downer when I realized that my freedom affected others. Damn!
Recently I realized - thanks to the whining of those around me - that my constant "I do" attitude placed the burden squarely on them. I was so willing to do whatever they wanted that I had become opinionless.
Now isn't that strange? The girl most likely to be contrary, willful, obstinate and a downright pain in the ass had no opinion?
"Want to grab a bite?"
"I do."
"Where should we go?"
"I don't care."
"Well, what do you feel like?"
"Whatever you want."
I thought I was being flexible and free and liberated from the old I don't habit. But really, I was just making the other person do all the deciding. And that's not fair. Who wants to do all the deciding?
Well, bossy difficult people want to do all of the deciding, of course. But luckily, none of my friends are bossy difficult people.
So, I had to start having some opinions. And not just because my friends were getting tired of making them all. But because I was starving.
Know what happens when two I do's fall in love. Weight loss. Too much I do is never a good thing.
"Want to grab a bite?"
"I do."
"Where should we go?"
"I don't care. Where do you want to go?"
"I don't care either. What do you feel like?"
"I don't know. What do you feel like?"
Two I do's could starve from lack of ability to choose a restaurant.
And, of course, two I do's, ironically, might never say I do.
"Should we just get married?"
"Sure, I guess. Do you think we should?"
"I don't care. Whatever you want."
"I don't care. What do you feel like?"
"I don't care either. What do you feel like?"
Amazing how two I do's equal one big fat don't.
My goal in life is to say I do. I do want to be in committed relationships. To my friends. To my family. To my colleagues. Hopefully, one day pretty damn soon to someone I love as much as Boo. I do. I really do.
I've overcome I don't. And I've seen the dangers of I do.