It's really ironic because I've lectured people forever about the Yes, but problem.
Yes, but is a conversation ender. Even worse, it's a negotiation ender. Yes, but is particularly disruptive in the work environment or relationship environment or mentoring environment where one is trying to advance another's performance or position or options in one way or another.
"Jerry, maybe you could present that great idea of yours to John and see what he thinks of it!"
"Yes, but John said he doesn't want to be bothered."
"Well, I'm sure John would just love to be bothered for a great new idea like this!
"Yes, but his office is on the other side of the campus and it's raining."
"Well, I'm sure getting a little wet is well worth the chance of getting a great idea like this some attention from the big guy!!"
"Yes, but I'm sure he won't like it anyway."
We all know these people. Actually, I know fewer and fewer of these people. A few Yes, buts and I'm outta there. The Yes, but dynamic makes me crazy.
In life, it should be Yes, and.
Because in life, the goal should almost always be to continue and to advance. Except, of course, in those situations where the goal is to end. But mostly we want to continue and advance. Continue the conversation, continue the negotiation, advance our position, advance our interests.
In Improv, the Yes, and concept is critical. Because without the continuation, the Improv scene dies.
And no, don't ask what I'm doing involved in Improv.
The point of Yes, and is to continue the flow of the interaction. To keep the characters involved and talking and to keep the scene evolving.
Do you know how quickly information travels on the Improv stage?
Neither do I.
But a certain Improv instructor quotes a ridiculously huge number every week and makes a ridiculously huge deal out of it. And then yells at me when I roll my eyes because the number sounds highly unscientific and possibly just made up.
But I understand the point.
Information moves back and forth quickly. As do interpretations. And perceptions. Perceptions of whether you're 'in' or 'out'....'in' or 'out' of the conversation and the loop and the game. In life, whether or not you're interested.
So with the coffee thing, the answer should really be "Yes, and I would love to treat."
"Maybe we could go for coffee sometime...."
BOOM! "Yes!, and I would love to treat."
Now, whether you ultimately go for coffee is a minor detail. What you drink? A detail. It may be that you end up going for burgers or tai or sushi or pizza or bowling or ice cream or whatever.
But remember, the question wasn't whether you wanted coffee.
The question was would you like to spend some time with me?
CAVEAT: If you're in a long-term relationship and your partner asks if you'd like to go for coffee, the chances might be that coffee actually is the intended goal.
In Improv, you learn to stop thinking and to just respond. You also learn that there are no wrong answers. You can say anything you want as long as what you say continues the interaction and provides the other characters an opportunity to respond.
Yes, and...
It's more than a concept. It's a tool. Or perhaps it's the other way around.
So lately I've noticed a big television response thing that people do. Start listening and you'll notice it too.
"Hey, did you see "Swapping Kids" on television?"
I don't watch it, but I've seen it.
What is that?
Is it an acknowledgement that you've seen the show "Swapping Kids" so that you can be included in the conversation but a request for an exemption from being considered someone who would actually watch that sort of stuff?
No.
Not allowed.
You either saw the show or you didn't.
I knew someone who used to lead up to acknowledgements of how she happened to see something on television with a protracted story of why the television was on in the first place.
Who cares?
Here's the thing.
If someone has asked you whether you've seen a particular show, they're not testing you in order to judge you (unless it's me).
They're asking you in order to engage you. They want to talk to you about the show. Or about something related to the show.
Just say yes. Or just say no. But let them proceed. Because they really just want to tell you something about the show. And it may not even matter if you watch it regularly or sometimes or never. Or whether you caught it once or caught part of it or heard about it.
The point is, just allow for the continuation.
Just allow the person to advance.
Just make the connection.
Because do you know how quickly information and perceptions and interpretations travel back and forth?
Neither do I.
But it doesn't matter. As Nike says, Just say "Yes, and...."