I'm not sure when I realized what a nuisance "nonplussed" is, but after a rather brief period of obsession - maybe just ten years or so - I decided to just ignore the word.
Nonplussed is one of those annoying words that sounds like the opposite of what it means. Real life people don't say they were nonplussed. Real life people usually don't even know the word. But once in a while you'll hear someone on talk radio or CNN state that they were nonplussed.
Nonplussed sounds like it should mean "unmoved" or "unaffected." People who love the irony of nonplussed like to say that it really means "shocked" or "surprised."
Actually, nonplussed really means to be stuck, often in a puzzling or embarrassing way. If you're nonplussed, you're unable to go further. From the latin, "non" is "no" and "plus" is "further" - one just cannot go further.
But, the great - and completely annoying - thing about the word is that nobody knows how to use it.
The Philadelphia Weekly reported on the trial of a Republican National Convention protester. The protester testified that he was marching with other protesters when he left the throng and began walking alone. He says that two cops grabbed him from behind and dragged him back toward the crowd where he and others were detained.
He says further that he was "nonplussed to learn" - while in jail - that he had supposedly scuffed an officer's badge.
"It shocked me," he says. "At no time did I hit anyone with anything. I was lying face-down on the pavement the whole time."
See? He was "nonplussed" - he was "shocked."
Nice try, but wrong.
But, like I said, I'm over nonplussed. I no longer obsess about it.
Although, I will say it's fun to think about the fact that nonplussed has no opposite. Like its comrades, impetuous, debunk, incognito, misnomer, inept, dejected, unnerved, intact, disgruntled, inane, nondescript, dishevelled, insipid, unbeknownst, insidious, dismayed, feckless, impromptu, incessant, inhibited, misgivings, unswerving, there is no positive of the word. No "plussed."
But, like I said, the obsession's over.
I'm obsessed now with Faith Hill.
Well, it's not really Faith Hill. It's really her song "The Way You Love Me."
The song, if you haven't heard it, is just completely preposterous. Let me share some lyrics:
If I could grant You one wish I'd wish you could see the way you kiss
I only wish that you could see the way you love me
Let me just clarify that, although I have not included all of the song lyrics, I have not - I repeat not - taken these lyrics out of context. They mean exactly what they seem to mean.
Basically, Faith is saying that if she had one wish to grant her man (I think it's safe to assume that Faith Hill, a country-based singer, is singing about loving a man)(I also think it's safe to assume that this man is a straight man), she would grant him the ability to watch himself making love to her.
Oh god.
Please tell me there's nobody in the world who thinks this song is cute. Or a logical idea.
And please tell me that there's no man who would think this is a good idea.
Now I'm not saying I've never thought about how nice it would be if my partner could feel what I feel...especially when I feel really good. But, of course, how could my partner feel what I feel? I'm a girl. My partner - when I had one - was a guy. We feel different things. TiP: If you require further information regarding this point, go get yourself some more experience or pick up an anatomy book.
But, if I had the power to grant one wish, you think that would be it?
I don't think so.
Most of the men I know - and most of the women - would probably want the same thing if they had one wish.
Money.
Not because I hang out with materialistic or greedy people, but because the people I know, including the men I love and have loved, have all wanted the same thing: freedom.
The freedom to do what they want - personally, professionally, for family, for friends and for others. And face it, watching yourself make out with someone else won't really further your progress in any of those areas.
But you know what? There's a bigger problem with Faith's song.
What man do you know who would actually sit there and watch himself making out with anybody?
Now I know men are extremely visual in terms of what turns them on sexually, but I'm pretty sure that doesn't include watching themselves. Remember, we're assuming that Faith is talking about a straight man. So, this straight man is going to appreciate that his lover spent her one wish - or his one wish - providing him a few moments of watching himself doing that stuff? Watching himself? A man?
Most straight men are homophobic enough that they couldn't even discuss the concept.
No. I'm thinking Faith should consider granting a different wish.
Maybe it could go like this:
If I could grant You one wish I'd wish you could see the way you just sit around all day and drink beer and eat chips and tinker with your cars and your tools now that you don't have to work anymore since I got you all that money.
Yeah. That one would hit the top of the charts, I'm sure.
I know if I had a guy, that's the wish I would grant. He'd be downright nonplussed.