My New Dog
Prediction: the man I marry I'll meet in Starbucks.
And, of course, I'm sitting in Starbucks as I write this prediction.
What better place to conduct your professional life? I tried the courtroom, but the dress code was too stifling. I tried corporate life, but the pressure of cavorting with evil forces wasn't good for my complexion.
I tried both Cosi and Panero, but there are just too many moms with kids hanging out in those fine establishments during work hours. Other people's kids really don't belong in my office. Especially kids who would rather be outside than having to sit still and eat fancy food.
So I've moved my own corporate headquarters to Starbucks. I guess you could say, though, that I work in the field. I don't pay rent to any particular Starbucks. I'm just a Starbucks whore...traveling from Starbucks location to Starbucks location, looking for the best combination of Seattle's best.
A power source (i.e., electrical plug) in close proximity to a good window table, a few beautiful people to swoon over during creative lapses. music played loud enough to inspire but not so loud it disrupts the intellectual process, and, of course, Baristas who seem to be genuinely enjoying the day's experience.
I think the general rule is quickly becoming clear: the closer the Starbucks to a grocery store, the lesser likelihood of it being a good whorehouse for me. For some reason, the ambiance is significantly better at the "other" Starbucks locations. Isolated stores, stores in strip malls sans Giant and Safeway.
But the best locations by far are those near office buildings. Very interesting looking people. And their conversations are quieter. Most likely because they're gossiping about other people who frequent that same Starbucks location.
So I sit in Starbucks for hours working on the computer. I write a lot. And I do some "paperwork" which isn't really paperwork anymore since it's relegated to the confines of a PC.
I usually get pretty absorbed in my work. Enough that I forget I'm in public for a bit. I stop hearing the music. I stop noticing the opening of the door and the flow of customers in and out. Luckily, my zone out usually also enables me to forget how many germs I'm exposed to while those around me sneeze and cough. Not the most pleasant thought, but a very real danger when you hold a public office.
Generally speaking, though, Starbucks is good.
And not just professionally.
Starbucks - the right Starbucks - is just a hotbed of guys wanting hot beds. Maybe if I were a guy I'd notice all the women wanting similar action. But alas, I'm not a guy. I'm just a girl who can't ignore the fact that the men in Starbucks seem to crave more than caffeine.
The question is, how do women tap into this great source of voluntarily available testosterone?
And I have the answer.
Can you spell l-a-p-t-o-p?
Actually, I just spelled it for you, so you're already on the right path.
Perhaps I'm a totally gorgeous hot babe that no breathing man can keep himself from being near.
Or maybe it's just that I have an electronic toy. I have a machine. I have something that guys recognize and understand.
I see all these women reading in Starbucks. What's a guy supposed to do with that? Guys don't see books as openings for flirtation.
"Gee, I really like the binding on your hardcover.." - "I love the way you save your place.." - "Did you read the new Dr. Phil?"
Hey babes! Guys don't do books. They don't belong to book clubs and they don't discuss how they cried when the book ended because they didn't want it to be over.
Bad move, girls.
The key is electronics.
I'll be sitting in the 'bucks typing my heart out and, invariably, a guy will walk up to me.
"Is that a computer you've got there?"
Just kidding. I haven't heard that line yet.
What I do get is "are you on the internet?" "is the network up?" "are you wireless?" "do you need an account to use the internet here?"
I get technical questions.
From guys who aren't creative.
The more creative guys are smarter.
They ask if they can share my plug. And so far, two very bold guys have asked to borrow my power cord since they forgot theirs.
Cool move, dudes. You may have been lying, but I lent you my power cord anyway. I always reward creative flirtation.
I'm telling you, having a computer in Starbucks is the next best thing to having a dog. Actually, it's better. With a dog, you have to get up early to let the dog out. And you have to go outside regardless of the weather.
With a computer, all you have to do is type. Or even just look like you're thinking about what to type. Every once in a while, you should take off your glasses and stretch dramatically, signaling an opening in your availability for conversation.
So I almost bought a dog.
A little dog.
A purse dog.
And many friends tried to dissuade me.
They said a purse dog would be too yelpy and yippie. They said a purse dog would have annoying dental and health problems. They said a purse dog would pee all over the house. But most importantly, they cautioned me that guys don't like little dogs.
Now I'm not saying I wouldn't stoop to the level where I'd buy a dog to get a guy. Stranger things have certainly happened in my life. Like when I pretended I ran marathons in order to hook a runner. Man, doing a twenty mile training run just to impress a cute guy is tiring. But not ineffective, I must say.
Anyway, I looked high and low for a purse dog.
I looked on the web. I checked out the purse dog fan clubs. I perused the local shelters. I even checked shelters in other states.
Turns out purse dogs and shelters aren't the best mix.
Now, if you want a lab or a golden retriever, definitely go to the shelter. Tons of those. And they're SO friendly. Just dying to go home with you.
But purse dogs don't seem to end up in shelters. And when they do, they have issues. Like they can't be near any children under the age of thirty. Or they eat cats. Or they can only live with a woman who has lap availability twenty four hours a day and never allows men into her house.
So I looked again at actually purchasing a little pal.
Guess how much....
No really, guess....
Okay. A thousand. Eight hundred if the breeder's in a hurry. Seven hundred if it's a puppy mill in a strip mall.
So ladies....a little math and logic:
You can spend a bunch of bucks on a purse dog that guarantees men won't talk to you.
Or, you can take that same amount and buy a laptop.
And, if you buy now, Compaq's got a mail-in rebate....
One more tip: men do seem to make passes at girls who wear glasses.
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