I say thank you all day. I thank anyone and everyone. I thank every person who works at the gas station, the grocery store, CVS and the toll booth. I thank people who open doors, people who move over a bit on the sidewalk, people who back out of the parking space I'm about to take and people who just look happy. Shit. I think I'd thank a dead person just for having died and made room for someone else. What a thoughtful act.
Actually, the guy at the booth on the Dulles toll road used to bring me muffins. And I'd bring him cookies. We'd alternate surprising each other. It was a nice relationship. And it's a true quickie when the car behind you is honking for you to keep driving.
But then I got a SmartPass and had to drive straight through instead of stopping. That was the easiest breakup I've ever experienced. Just changed lanes. I do visit him now and again just to say hi. But only when his lane's empty.
When I thank people, I don't just mutter thank you and walk by with my head down. I enunciate purposefully and I make eye contact. I usually add a sincere nod of the head so the person knows I mean the thank you. I always get a smile back.
Yeah. I thank everyone.
Everyone who's not family, chosen family or intimate.
But not because I'm nasty. I love my family. And some of my family I even like.
As for my chosen family, I couldn't have chosen better. Actually, it's amazing to me that I have such wonderful people in my life. Sometimes I wonder if I'm a really great person or something. These people of true quality chose to be friends with me. It's just incredible.
Anyway, I lucked out. My real family, however dys this and dys that, is pretty good. And my chosen family is just too good for words. Although I try again and again anyway to capture them in writing.
And then there are my intimates. The peripheral folks. Those who are close intellectually, creatively, spiritually, emotionally, physically...and yet they've not crossed the boundary into the circle of chosen family. Perhaps it's too early. Or perhaps they just don't mesh with family and friends. There are lots of reasons that intimates hang on the periphery. But they're no less important.
In the past two days, I've gotten a little more action than usual. Not sure why, but it's just worked out that way. I've seen two intimates, three chosen family, one family. One of the intimates may possibly be crossing over into chosen family. We're just waiting for completion of the application.
At the end of two days, I'm positive that I was as thankful as could be to every clerk who provided me coffee, sodas, bagels, brownies, cookies and cat food. I was especially thankful to a very nice person who provided Christina and I directions to a Starbucks. He got a smile, a wink AND a thumbs up.
But, at the end of two days, I had no idea if I had thanked an intimate for treating me to pizza.
Luckily, I'm quite verbal. I say things like "Yum" "This is good" "This is heaven" "I could sit here all night."
The night we had pizza, we also sat outside just talking and spacing out. I think I even may have given the situation the highest compliment of all.
"I could fall sleep right here."
Now, even though I could actually fall sleep anywhere, it is the conscious notation of a location in which falling asleep would be ideal that is the highest compliment.
The bottom line is that he knew I was thankful for the pizza. And for being treated. I don't generally tend to act ungrateful.
And I do tend to treat in return. Because it's a good thing. And fair. And because treating is fun.
But I feel like the true test of a personal bond is getting to the point where thank you - and other formalities - are assumed by your behavior toward the other person.
I'm not saying you should never say thank you. I know I'll get email from people telling me how important it is to say thank you to those you love. Again, I am not saying you should never say thank you.
I'm just saying that the closer I am to people, the less we tend to say the obvious surface things.
I don't think my best friends and I have often uttered the words "thank you" with regard to anything casual like paying for a meal. But sometimes, when I've edited Madeline's writing or picked up on something she should change in a chapter, she'll call and say "THANK YOU SO MUCH. I TOTALLY AGREE. YOU'RE SO SMART."
Now, that's appreciation.
But honestly, you know what feels the best?
When I bring bagels to Madeline, or orange Gatorade to Christina, or coffee to Missy or a frappucino to Erika and they just start drinking. Without the formal acknowledgement. And it's just one more treat that we're sharing. Because in our lifetime of love and friendship we've lost track of who's buying. And we don't care who owes who because it all pales in comparison to the value of having a kindred spirit.
Maybe the key is that we're all just articulate and giving. We're also demonstrative. And none of us takes each other for granted.
Now that I think back, I got big smooshy hugs from everyone I saw this weekend. Kisses too. And it wasn't because of anything special. We're all just big smooshy huggy kissy people.
Three of those people told me they loved me. And not just once. And they said how happy they were to see me. And not just once. And, of course, I reciprocated. I hugged. I kissed, I loved. I articulated.
So maybe it's not that the thank you's aren't important. Maybe it's that the formality of the thank you seems a bit mundane or dismissive when the interaction has been so much more special and close.
It's kind of like the Hallmark holiday thing.
How can one Hallmark day of commercialism trump 364 days of how you treat a person? But sure enough, Hallmark's done a pretty good job of convincing the country that 364 days a year are less important than a card with a poem.
But back to thank you.
You know, I can actually judge a date by thank you.
If I don't say thank you, it's usually a sign that I was too involved to remember. The conversation or other activities were too much fun. And that's good.
Rude, but good.
As for the other dates, sometimes I just live for the thank you.
"Please, dear god, just get me to thank you."
There are times when that walk to the car is sooooooo damn long. But uttering those kind gentle words of thank you is the trigger for getting in your car and going.
It sounds so bad. And so mean. But thank you, sad to say, might not always be the phrase a person really wants to hear.
Maybe, when I resume dating, I just won't say thank you to anybody. Maybe I'll state the rule in the beginning.
"I'm sorry, but I won't be saying thank you this evening. It would be too intimate. Or possibly too cruel. Either way, it would be sharing too much."
So, anyway, if I don't thank you - or if I haven't thanked you - it's not because I didn't notice or didn't care. It's not because I didn't like what you did. And it's certainly not because I took your gesture for granted or felt entitled in any way.
If anything, it's the complete opposite.
I'd only fail to thank someone I really truly cared for.