You write something and people actually believe it. Scary, but true.
I guess there are times when I really do want readers to believe what I say. Like when I talk about what I think is important in life. Or when I spout off about how to live meaningfully.
Of course it would be great if a couple of readers switched to my religion. In my religion, shoes are forbidden - unless they make you feel really sexy. And cereal worship is strictly observed. Especially on days of rest. And in my religion, it's considered a holy deed to keep your butt on the sofa where you can't piss off others as easily.
But, as much as I'd like to convert the world, I realize that most readers just get what they want out of what I write. Even if what they get has nothing to do with what I actually write. I guess interpretation really is subjective after all.
Damn.
So, as you can imagine, I was shocked when I heard that a reader had purchased a laptop.
Granted, this reader was probably going to purchase a laptop anyway...
But was it just coincidence that this reader purchased a laptop immediately after reading "My New Dog" - the first treatise on getting someone to come on to you simply by using electronics at Starbucks.
And was it coincidence when I began getting a slew of emails inquiring as to how wireless Starbucks works?
Well, maybe it was pure coincidence.
But maybe, just maybe, I actually possess the ability to influence.
If that's the case, I have just two pieces of advice to impart:
First, never leave a McDonald's shake in the car in July.
Second, do a word search.
I'm sure there's no need for explanation about the McDonald's shake. If you're unfamiliar with the effects of extreme heat on a McDonald's shake, let me just say you're better off remaining ignorant. Let me add, there's a reason it's not called a milkshake.
But, let me explain the word search.
In "My New Dog," I shared my accidental discovery that laptops turn men on.
And laptops in public? In the hot hands of a hot babe?
Apparently, they're better than the thong peeking out from low-rise jeans. And they're more comfortable.
And so, I actively preached the benefits of electronics in Starbucks to those hoping to switch from their personal home electronics to a more human touch.
And I'd still be preaching electronics right now if it weren't for a word search, a crossword and notecards.
As you may know, I spend a considerable amount of time at Starbucks. If Starbucks were open twenty-four/seven, I'd save a lot on rent. Of course, Starbucks would have to change their policy on cats, but we're making good progress in that department. Boo's planning to be the first feline to order a latte with an extra shot. Currently, we're working on legislation requiring Starbucks to lower their counters about five feet. Cats need accommodation too.
Anyway, in my Starbucks time, I notice things. Mostly, I notice what people do and how they do it.
Okay. Let's cut the bullshit.
I notice guys. And what guys do. And how guys do it.
The most noticeable thing about Starbucks guys is actually what they don't do.
They don't, as I've said before, talk to girls who are reading. And they don't, as I've said before, talk to girls taking a break from reading.
And they don't, as I've said before, talk to girls about the stuff they're reading.
So, I feel I can say with confidence that any girl looking for luv might want to leave the paperbook at home.
That goes for hardcover too.
And magazines.
Now, of course, there's an exception to every rule.
A girl might wish to try reading a publication of interest to guys.
But there are serious problems with this exception.
First, in order to show the guy what she's reading, the girl has to basically hold it up in front of her face. Or, depending on where she's sitting (table vs. big chair), the girl might have to hold the publication up in front of her boobs.
So you see the problem here? It's a logistical nightmare.
Not to mention the fact that the girl's going to attract the guy who tends to read the magazine she's reading.
Yes, reading Maxim might get a rise out of the guy. But reading Maxim is also likely to get a rise out of the guy.
Do you really want to meet a Maxim man? Even worse, do you want to meet a titillated Maxim man? I think not.
So, reading's just a bad idea.
So is going to Starbucks with your girlfriends.
I know that's difficult to hear, but face it...you can't sleep with your girlfriends.
Well, actually, you can sleep with your girlfriends. But, this advice is really for those girls who want to sleep - and not get any sleep - with a guy.
So, if that's you, leave your girlfriends at home. Or, better yet, go with them to Starbucks but sit at separate tables.
I have yet to see a Starbucks man talk to a group of girls. By the way, group means more than one.
Okay. So you're going to Starbucks. Without your book. And without accompaniement.
So what are you going to do?
Here's the answer:
You're going to do anything that provides a guy a reasonable line.
You're going to bring a word search.
Because everyone's done a word search at some point. Everyone has something to say about a word search.
"Do you do the word jumble in the Post? I do it every day."...yeah, it might seem queer, but if he's doing the jumble, he's not doing lots of women. That's a plus.
"I love those"....it's a good opening line...assuming it refers to the word search and not your mammories.
"My daughter loves those"....it's okay to date a Starbucks man if he's divorced with kids.
Yeah. A good word search is worth a hundred Today sponges.
(If you didn't get that joke, you don't watch enough Seinfeld reruns)
But even a good word search needs a little help.
Remember to stop frequently and ponder your word search.
"Hhhhhmmmm, am I focusing too much on vertically placed words?"
A good ponder is worth....well, it's worth something.
And the pondering moment is critical for the Starbucks man. It's during your pondering that the Starbucks man can feed you a line.
So ponder. Ponder long and hard. You can even ponder some girth if you'd like. But take the time to ponder.
And remember, placing your word search pen or pencil between your lips while pondering might encourage the Starbucks man to deliver his line a little faster.
Now, if you think pondering's something you could do effectively, I say go for the crossword. Especially if you're seeking an articulate guy.
The crossword ponder, accompanied by some squinting and the occasional "my back hurts from thinking so much" stretch, is significantly more effective than the basic word search ponder. Also, you may just attract that special breed of Starbucks man: guys who are turned on by girls who look smart.
But, of course, some girls would argue that they don't like searches or puzzles. That they won't pretend to enjoy word games just for a guy.
HOW STUPID!!
But, I'll address that concern anyway.
What to do if you're not into word games?
Study.
The good news is that you can study anything. Anything that makes you look like you're studying.
The key to good studying at Starbucks - beyond your basic study pondering - is to appear in need of a break.
"Ooooooohhhhh.....I've been studying so long my brain is like a fried brain. I need someone to talk to me so I can feel more alert and refreshed...."
Now, of course you can't say that aloud. But you can show the thought in your body language.
Do the "back hurts" stretch. Brush your hair away from your eyes (but remember to allow a piece or two to whisp across your forehead..that's always sexy). And definitely rub your eyes gently (hard eye rubbing promotes wrinkles).
And, if you think you're ready for advanced moves, by all means take a brief "walk break" to the outside of the Starbucks.
Once outside the Starbucks, stretch dramatically. Showing some midriff is always helpful. Then look longingly at the sun. Use your best "Calgon take me away" face to convey to available guys that you're available for - and in need of - a distraction from your studying.
In our next lesson, we'll discuss how to incorporate your hobby or pasttime into a Starbucks sex mission. Not to be confused with missionary sex.
In the meantime, though, remember the following rules of thumb:
Guys are attracted to girls who do crosswords in pen. Doing any puzzle in ink conveys self-confidence.
Guys are more attracted to girls who do crosswords in pencil. Something about erasing satisfies that still popular schoolgirl fantasy.
Guys are most attracted to girls who ask if they can borrow a pen or pencil.
And, of course, once you've borrowed the aforementioned writing utensil, don't forget to drop it occasionally.