Have we learned nothing? Are our memories that short?
When Felicity cut off her hair after freshman year, ratings plummeted. Producers of the previously popular show claimed naivete regarding the scalping, alleging that Keri Russell had surprised them over a summer hiatus. Later they admitted thinking that the "wild" act of chopping off her best feature would appear just like the spontaneous action of a real life college student who had just broken up with her coed boyfriend.
Apparently viewers didn't appreciate the likeness to reality. Apparently, reality is just a little too close to home. And more apparently, the producers hadn't thought to keep one step ahead of their prepubescent and pubescent female viewers.
"I think it turned some audience away, in particular men and some women," WB Entertainment president Susanne Daniels said.
So, if men - as if there were any male viewers - and some women were turned away, I guess that left a robust audience of some other women and whatever household pets were into the WB.
I'm not saying Keri Russell wasn't totally full of talent. I think she was quite talented. She could definitely hold her own against her stiff competition over at 90210. Even after they had all been out of college for several years and still not accepted into graduate school or upper management at the Peach Pit.
But please. Felicity's hair was pretty critical to her overall presence. Sure she was dynamic, but it's not like she was Madonna. I'm willing to guess that a fairly large percentage of her energy and appeal came from her hair. Like maybe ALL of it.
Kind of like a younger Andi McDowell.
Oh, sorry. I know I've stepped on some toes here. I know people really like Andi McDowell. I know she's a genuinely nice person. Or she seems to be.
But think about it.
Have you ever seen Andi McDowell in a movie where she didn't rely on that amazing curly mass of hair to get her through?
No.
See, Andi's a smart cookie. She completely understands and accepts that she's no Madonna. And she further appreciates that she's not a chameleon. Andi knows that without her hair nobody would really remember who she is. Even if she does have a cute little quasi-southern accent, she still can't hang in there without her hair. And that's part of Andi's appeal. She knows that she's not amazing. But even better, Andi would never try to act like she's amazing. She just uses what she has. And what she has is hair.
No wonder we can relate to her.
In real life, we all have one thing we rely on. None of us are confident enough to compromise our one good thing.
Jennifer Aniston tried short. That worked for a few episodes before hair extensions guest starred on the show. You'll notice nobody flocked to the salon for Jenn's new look.
And even Sarah Jessica Parker went short for a while. Hair extensions made their appearance within a couple of episodes too.
It seems viewers want their characters, role models and love interests to have the hair they want or can't have.
But now it's Celine. She's gone and chopped off her hair. And right before her big come back. Or maybe she already came back. I don't know, but she's got some big Vegas show going on.
Oh god. Her hair just is truly awful.
She looks like Sandy Duncan in Peter Pan.
Now, I'm not saying Sandy Duncan looked like a total little pansy in Peter Pan, but Sandy Duncan looked like a total little pansy in Peter Pan. Actually, to be more accurate, Sandy Duncan looked to be neither man nor woman in Peter Pan. She looked asexual in an eerie creepy way.
So I'm not quite sure what it is that Celine's going for exactly. Her hair's chopped off. It sticks up in some places. And it's dyed the color of straw.
I know that "messy hair" is back in right now, but I'm fairly certain that her look is not qualifying for the definition of messy hair.
I also know that you've got to possess a crapload of confidence to carry off a really bad look. You've got to have confidence that looking good isn't what people are drawn to. Actually, it's more than that. You're got to have the confidence that people will still be drawn to you looking bad.
Now, I rag on Celine a lot. Mostly because it's fun and oh-so-easy. But I'm willing to acknowledge the fact that she has a good voice. I'm also willing to acknowledge that she's quite the performer. She definitely comes alive in front of an audience.
Even a live audience.
But is she THAT good? Good enough to look really ugly? Recent reviews refer to her new do as tomboyish. She's got a tomboyish cut on top of a newly muscled body. I'm sure the folks over at the Campaign to Feed Celine will be happy to hear this. (There actually is a website. And it's very funny.) She must be eating to maintain some semblance of muscle mass, right? Or maybe she just cut her hair to offset any weight added by her newly muscled 'ceps and quads. Muscle does weigh more than fat, after all.
But still, I'm worried. Even Felicity looked kind of cute when she went short and the ratings still went way down.
But man, Celine. She doesn't look anywhere near cute. She just looks scary. Worse than double bag.
Maybe it's because she had a baby. Maybe it's the mom thing.
You know, having a short haircut is easier. You just wash it, rub a towel over it and go.
Yeah, that must be it. It's not like she's got any help now that she's a new mom...
You know, Celine's got a big task in front of her. She'll be doing lots more than her daddy - I mean, manager - I mean, hubby. She'll be doing Las Vegas five nights a week, 40 weeks a year until 2006. Her much-hyped new show, "A New Day" basically guarantees that each new day will be the same old groundhog day.
She dances and flies and belts out 23 diva-ditties in a Caesars Palace theater designed just for her diva-ness.
And Vegas needs for the diva-ship to not sink. Caesars spent $95 million to create the lavish Colosseum and paid more than $30 million more to produce the Celine Show. And Vegas hasn't been doing so well lately.
But they're taking plenty of steps to ensure that Celine's little project doesn't do the old Titanic thing. A doc will check the Canadian's multimillion-dillar vocal cords frequently to ensure their health. A stage humidifier was installed to prevent desert throat.
250,000+ tickets have been sold. Prices range from $87.50 to $200. But lots of those tickets were sold before she got her hair cut.
Well, I guess we'll see if Celine can break the short cut curse. If not, at least we know this: hair grow back and the heart - or show - must go on.