Back in the old days, nobody ever fixed me up. It may have been because I was a pathetic loser whose wiles they didn't want to recommend to anyone who might later hold it against them.
Or maybe it was because of my legal problems. No matter how many times I explained to my friends that ANYONE can get a restraining order and that the one against me was TOTAL BS, it apparently still made some people nervous.
But maybe they didn't fix me up because I always said no when they brought up the subject. Not that I wasn't grateful for the charity....believe me, any attention from friends is nice.
But the proposal for every potential fix up started in the same way:
"He's just like you!"
Now, I do love myself a pretty good amount. I generally enjoy my company. I make myself laugh and even the occasional sneak peek at my womanly virtues is kind of fun.
But even I believe that one of me is enough.
Now I usually find much of my inspiration in movies and Grateful Dead lyrics, but self-love and associated topics require a nod to Seinfeld. Two episodes come to mind.
The first, briefly, includes a scene where Elaine is surprised that Jerry is attracted to a girl with an impressive bustline. As Elaine complains to Jerry, "I thought you were a leg man."
Jerry responds that he has legs. He doesn't need to be attracted to a girl who has something he already has.
The second episode is closer to my heart since it boasts a guest appearance by Janeanne Garafolo, my idol. In that episode, Jerry falls for Janeanne as he realizes she's basically the female version of him.
And then Jerry realizes....SHE'S THE FEMALE VERSION OF HIM! Euw gross!!
I have friends who are similar to me. Friends who share my humor, my sentiments, my taste in movies and my love for swedish fish. I have a best friend who could carry on both sides of our conversations all by herself. And I love these people dearly. But I don't really want to tickle their earlobes or feel my body enveloped in their protective arms.
And thus my love for shy guys.
My soulmate - remember him? - he was a shy guy. Between my hyperactive mind and his fear of human contact, we shared a good rhythm for love, friendship and kissing games.
Yeah, shy guys are where it's at. They're slow, they're focused, they're sincere. By the time they kiss you, you KNOW they're dying to. Shy guys don't partake in casual kissing. The initiative necessary to start the action is more tiring to the shy guy than any tongue struggles that might ensue. And when shy guys say nice things, it's clear that they mean them. A truly shy guy doesn't talk just to hear himself talk.
But the best reason of all to love a shy guy is for the post-game show. After you break up with a shy guy, the chances are pretty good that he's not out there putting the moves on every girl who looks nothing like you.