Actually, I've been eating my whole entire life....so it's more than just a lot.
My eating career has not only included chinese food, but its included chinese food in many forms. I've had chinese carry out, chinese in restaurants, chinese alone, chinese in two's, chinese in groups and chinese leftovers while standing in front of the open door of a refridgerator.
Yes. I've had my share of chinese.
What I have never had is non-leftover chinese straight out of a carton.
And I just don't understand why television and the movies always show people eating freshly delivered chinese straight out of the carton.
This scene continues to appear, again and again, in television and movies.
Don't these television and movie characters share their Kung Pao, Chicken and Broccoli, Orange Chicken and General Tsao's? Don't these people mix in rice with their chow mein? Don't these people mix in a little sauce? A little soy or duck sauce or something?
Don't they alternate between a forkful of Mu Shu with rice and a bite of eggroll and then maybe a mouthful of dumpling?
Now I'm definitely not a food boss. I'm never the one who dictates how food gets eaten. Half the time - or more - I don't even care what food we eat. At least I don't think so. I'm generally pretty lazy when it comes to the consumption of the food.
But I seem to recall that there's been a chinese carryout pattern over the years, be it with family, friend(s), coworkers or partners.
Usually there's a minor discussion of what folks want. The discussion generally includes a minor debate depending on whether the people ordering are sharing orderers or more picky solitary orderers. You know the kind.
Then there's the calling in of the order. Then there's a period of impatience where everyone waits for the food. This period of impatience was created by Dominos who developed the concept of high delivery expectations. Prior to Dominos, we all understood that carryout took forever. Now we expect delivery in thirty minutes.
Damn Dominos.
Eventually the food is delivered. After some initial anxiety over whether the delivery order has been filled correctly, there's usually some pretty good excitment, with people taking some of this and some of that. Even if the particular group has chosen not to share, I still seem to recall that people pick some of this and some of that of the food they've ordered.
And now, I will swear, under oath and before Boo, my witness, that I have never seen anyone eat non-leftover chinese out of the carton.
I will swear that there is always a degree of removal of the chinese food from the carton for the purpose of mixing and alternating the food with other foods.
And, pursuant to the continued insistence of television and movies of misrepresenting the non-leftover chinese food eating habits of americans, I may just have to take specific action.
And while I'm writing the necessary legislation, I may as well include a provision addressing the equally offensive issue of the rollover.
In order to maintain a similar structural format to the discussion above, I'll admit preliminarily that I've engaged in a healthy amount of sexual engagement in my lifetime.
I can't say I've been engaging is sexual activity my whole life; that would be disgusting and inappropriate.
But I'm experienced enough sexual activity to comment on what's coming.
No pun intended.
What's coming is a question. And then a completely uninteresting but critical analysis.
Question: What's with the rollover?
In every television show and movie, the guy pumps for a bit on top of the girl and clearly evidences the culmination of his deed - or their deed, I suppose - and then, once finished, he rolls over and off.
Over. And off. Straight to the side.
Now I'm not a medical expert, but I'm fairly certain the rollover's not physically possible. At least not with men who are endowed even the most minimal bit.
Isn't a minor amount of disengagement necessary prior to the rollover?
Those scenes just really cause me pain. And I'm not even a guy!
Let's not even mention the extent to which those scenes ruin any 'moment' I might be having.
The thing is, why do the producers keep reproducing that move when it can't happen in real life? Is it for reasons similar to the reasons why characters keep wrapping themselves in sheets when they walk from the bed to the bathroom after sex even thought nobody in real life has ever done the sheet-wrap-walk?
Is it to keep sex from looking real? Perhaps to keep sex from looking dirty?
Besides, even if we assume that real people wrap themselves in the sheets after sex in order to walk to the bathroom, where's the part where they untuck the sheet? Is my sex that bad that my sheets stay tucked in?
Is that my problem?
Maybe I don't really have commitment problems.
Maybe I don't really have low self-esteem problems.
Maybe I don't really have an over-inflated ego but an under-inflated sense of potential.
Maybe I'm just too focused on disengagement. Disengagement of the food from the carton, of the man from the man place, of the sheet from the bed.
Maybe I just need to go with the flow and stop questioning the logic of process.
Or maybe I do just need to draft the Disengagement Bill.
Then I can include provisions requiring that actors look at the road while driving instead of at the passenger.
And that housewives stop bringing the coffee pot to the table and leaving it sitting there to get cold after pouring coffee into their neighbor's mug.
And that female characters stop going to sleep with freshly applied make-up including lipstick.
And that characters with young children be required to show their children at least once per show
And that when characters sit around a dinner table they sit around the whole table and not just one half of it facing the camera.
And one more thing. There will be a special provision in the Disengagement Bill prohiting the continued sale or rental or playing of "The Fugitive" since the remake of "The Fugitive" illogically assumes that DNA technology still can't be used to vindicate Dr. Richard Kimble. In the remake, surely there's enough DNA evidence by way of fibers and other materials to prove that somebody else was in the residence that night. Even if he was wearing gloves. Or one glove, I suppose.
Whatever! Even one-armed men wear shoes, for god's sake!
I'm not suggesting that "The Fugitive" be banned forever. I'm just insisting that it be held to the highest logical standard. I don't mind if Richard Kimble is convicted, but it has to be on a technicality, not evidentiary.
For those of you who would like to support the Disengagement Bill and it's various provisions, the Disengagement Committee will hold it's maiden meeting next Sunday.
We'll be ordering chinese. And sheets will be available for those who need to walk to the bathroom. Just email your availability. And your order. And whether you're currently engaged.