I swear, I'm hip and somewhat in touch with reality otherwise.
And I know he can't sing. Believe me.
It's just that his lyrics should sound tortured. And nobody can torture a set of lyrics like Michael Bolton.
Honestly, I think I could sing better than Mikey. And I definitely have better hair. Then again, I guess any hair would be better than his occasional straw-like tufts.
But sometimes, when I'm weird, I listen to Michael Bolton. By weird, I mean in that strange floaty place. When you're not high or low or up or down...just in flux. For whatever reason.
The thing is, Michael makes it all sound so simple.
"When you think your world is over
Baby just remember this
Nothing heals a broken heart
Like time, love and tenderness..."
Okay. Good plan. The next time my heart's broken, I'll try that.
Ain't got nothin' if you ain't got love
You can conquer the world but it's never enough
Because you ain't got nothin' if you ain't got love
You know, I love Michael Bolton. With Michael, life is just so damn clear. You're either in love or not in love. Either heart-broken or heart-healed. In Boltonland, there are no work problems. There's no financial stress. No deadlines. No flu. No problems converting documents from one version of Word to another. Disputes between relatives? Nah. Backfat? Please.
In Boltonland, there's only love. Or lack thereof.
In Boltonland, you never have to renew your driver's license or deal with a computer guy who took advantage of your desperation. In Boltonland, your cell phone bill's always correct. In fact, in Boltonland, your cell phone's always charged and receiving a strong signal. It has to be. You may need to make a l-o-o-o-o-v-e call. Or, hopefully, receive one.
And so, in my weirdness, I loaded up the Michael Bolton.
I wasn't high. Wasn't low. Wasn't good or bad. Just weird. Too much going on. And a total lack of resources: no extra time, no extra money, no extra energy.
No extra 'nuttin. Just total depletion.
But no matter. Michael told me just what to do.
"You just call my name
And I'll come runnin' for you in the night
Just call my name
And I'll come runnin' right back into your life
If you ever need my love, call my name"
And so I trusted. And I called Michael Bolton's name.
As you can imagine, Michael Bolton didn't exactly come runnin' for me. Actually, Michael Bolton didn't show up at all.
At first I figured he hadn't heard me. After all, at this time of year there's a ton of noise. What with all those Salvation Army bells and kids whining for Santa to bring them Hokey Pokey Elmo. It's hard to get somebody's attention.
But then I thought about it. And I realized that Michael Bolton may not have responded because he knew I don't need his love.
What I need has nothing to do with love. What I need has to do with resources.
The first thing I need is more hours in the day. And I'm not sure Michael Bolton can help with that.
I need more hours in the day so I can get more work done. And so I can get some of the stuff out of the way that's making me a little crazy. Get some reports out. Start some new projects. Bring it in. Move it out. Be productive. Get on with it.
All of those things require more time.
And, while we're at it, I could use some more money.
If I just had some more money...like maybe a lot...I could call someone up and ask them to do me a few favors.
Like decorate the house. Nothing fancy. Just a couple of lights. Maybe a candle or two in the window. Maybe a pretty holiday ribbon on the lamp post or mailbox. Just a little something to make my part of the street a little lighter. And the neighbors' spirits a little brighter. Just something to hide the fact that I have no time for the holidays this year.
And maybe that hired hand could send out some cards. After, of course, he or she goes to the store to buy some cards. Nothing fancy. Just something to let folks know I'm thinking of them. And I love them. Even if I totally don't have time to show them that I'm thinking about them or to show them I love them.
I'd also ask my personal assistant to take some of that extra cash and buy some really cool goodies for all of the people who make my days better. Even though I already told all of those people that this is a giftless Christmas since there's no time for gifts or gift-related stress.
But that's the nice thing about a personal assistant. You only get the thank you. You don't have to field the stress of wondering what to give or how much to give or when to give. You don't get the angst. Angst is the personal assistant's territory.
Yeah, with a personal assistant, I could lift the gift ban.
Actually, with a personal assistant, I could even receive gifts! He or she could open them, throw away the wrapping paper and empty box, exchange the gift if necessary, write a thank you note.
Man, the personal assistant could be a better me than I've ever been.
And I definitely could use some more energy.
But maybe with more time and more money and a personal assistant to do some of the things that I don't have the time, money and energy to do, I'd actually have more energy.
Hey, did I just figure out the answer to something?
And you know, it's not like I need huge amounts of energy. Just enough to get through more than one glass of wine and one movie. Maybe enough to stay awake for Saturday Night Live. Or maybe just enough to feel like I don't need to sleep for a week between Christmas and New Year's.
But Michael Bolton doesn't take those calls. The only "I need more time" calls he seems to take have to do with "time, love and tenderness."
And love and tenderness ain't even on the radar right now. Right now, I'm just trying to figure out whether I'll be working New Year's Eve or whether I'll be free to nap.
You know, Michael Bolton said "forever isn't long enough." Maybe that should have been the tip off that he was a little wack. In my life, sometimes five minutes is long enough.
He also asked the musical question "how can we be lovers if we can't be friends?"
OOH! OOH! I KNOW THE ANSWER!!! CALL ON ME!!!!
Yeah. Maybe Michael Bolton isn't the man to call when you're in need.
So I guess I'll have to call someone besides the love king.
I'm thinking about calling Eve. Her rap's much better than Michael's singing. And when Eve says "I got what you need," she's definitely not talking about love on a beach. Actually, I'm not quite sure what it is she's referring to. But, she's pretty hot. And she's got a very cool wardrobe. And she's shooting a flick with Ice Cube, so maybe I could meet him.
Yeah. I think that's the hot ticket. A little more "time, money, energy" and a little bit of Eve....