She wouldn't need the card if she were involved with someone. Then again, maybe nobody would need a card if they were involved with someone.
But she's not. Not involved with someone. And she's in her thirties. And she has no prospects. Not for involvement and not for a new card.
Her card was her job.
Man. She had a good one. Some cool position at Victoria's Secret. Like the real Victoria's. Like corporate. And something actually related to the underthings. Not like an accounting or clerical position. No. This babe actually got to see and touch and talk about the little nothings in Victoria's closet.
And, being single, she got to tell guys this.
"So, what do you do?"
"I'm in charge of lingerie for Victoria's Secret"
Oh god...what a card.
It's dirty and clean all at the same time. She's a professional, but she's dirty and clean and sexy. It's so damn perfect.
And she lost it.
Or rather, she surrendered it. Apparently, she quit her job.
And she quit her job without having a better card.
Now, I can't say for sure when it comes to girls, but I do know that a guy without a job has to have some really good other card to overcome the lack of a job.
Like he better have the "Prince" card...or the "Rock Star" card. At the very least, he should be a holder of a former something card. Something identifiable and impressive. Like maybe a former chess champion or a former celebrated documentary maker.
I know a guy who won something a while ago. I know all the cool things he does now. I'm up to date. Doesn't matter. His card, to me, is that past "Winner" card. That card's good forever.
Girls' cards apparently are different from guys' cards. I told a friend who's a doctor that he's got the instant "Go Directly To Date" card. I figured few women would pass up the chance to give a doc a chance. At the very least, he's got some brain activity working for him. We all might know some docs who are jerks, but most docs are kind of smart.
But my doc friend maintains that the basic "Pretty Girl" card is a lot more powerful than the "Doctor" card. He argues that a "Pretty Girl" can get lots more dates than a "Doctor." We debated the point a bit. I thought the Doctor card carries a bit more generic weight whereas the Pretty Girl card depends on the viewer of the card. A Pretty Girl is only a Pretty Girl to one who finds her to be a Pretty Girl. A Doctor is a Doctor is a Doctor.
Some of my girlfriends have had the best cards. Madeline has always just had a genuine fascination for people. I guess you could call it a "People" card, but that's really deceiving. Madeline would probably say she hates people. Or that she thinks people are stupid. But I'll tell you, put a person in front of Madeline and you'd think she'd never seen a person before. She can become fascinated in a way that makes the person feel like they've never been known by anyone else. That's a card.
Erika's card is much different. Erika's card is the "I Am Who I Am" card. Luckily, Erika's pretty damn good. And she's also pretty damn Erika. My friend Rhea plays a similar card. Just in a different way. But a good way too. I wouldn't want either one to change. Even though I give them grief all the time. The "I Am Who I Am" card only works if you're pretty likeable and good to begin with. Both women are that and much much more.
Several friends of mine are self-employed. That's always a tricky card. There's always the person who's self-employed because nobody will employ them. Or the person who claims to be self-employed even though you have no idea if they actually work.
For the most part, though, I think self-employment is a good card. I think it's the strong suit for several of my friends. While women might be attracted to their wit or looks, I think it's their appearance of independence or originality that's probably the turn on. And who knows, maybe they are independent and original.
One of those friends is currently undertaking the study of photography. BIG CARD. It's the Artsy Fartsy card. "Go Directly To Date" card. I hope he's milking it.
Then there's the question of travel. I think the travel card works best after the travel's completed. As cool as it is when you meet someone who's traveling, I think the tendency is to want them to just get in touch when they're back.
But one friend just returned from working for years abroad. Major travel card. And the card's better than that. The work abroad was good work. It's the "Good Work Abroad" travel card. Man, you can't beat that one. That card gets you directly to the date and further too. The "Good Work Abroad" travel card makes you an interesting, cultured, well-traveled person who has a kind heart. Plus, you're back after a long time, so you're probably not going anywhere soon. That's just an unbeatable combination.
I've always been attracted to the "I Don't Care What Other People Think" card. There's just something about a guy who marches to his own beat that really gets me going. Unfortunately, sometimes the guy marches a few too many miles away in the wrong direction.
My sister-in-law thinks my card is running. She's impressed that I run marathons. Apparently, she's not phased by the fact that it takes me four days to finish. But as much as I love running, I can't go with the running card. I usually just feel guilty about not having run enough. That, of course, is stupid. Nobody but me knows what I should or could be running. And even if I was a better runner, who would care? I don't think a guy would rush to buy me dinner just because I had run well that day.
"Did you get in ten?"
"No. Only eight."
"Well, then, I'm sorry. I can't have animal sex with you."
And being a lawyer's definitely a loser card. That's the "I Don't Date Your Kind" card. When you show that card, people have to make exceptions in order to date you. In order to even consider dating you, they first have to block out all memories of bad experiences with other lawyers. Bad card.
Being a writer could be my card if I could get my work in a publication that's actually recognized in the mainstream. But it's hard to offer that sexy "I'm A Writer" card when the bulk of your publications are focused on disability law, medical billing fraud, and drug reimbursement. These are just not sexy topics. My writer's card doesn't carry quite the same cache as Candace Bushnell's. At least not yet.
I definitely think Boo could be my card. Boo's a PowerCat. But Boo won't go anywhere with me. Boo likes staying home even more than I do.
My card may just be that I'm cardless.
But probably not. People like to categorize. People will give you a card. As much as we hate being put into little boxes that minimize who we are and diminish what we know and what we do, others seem to want to characterize us in one way or another. Perhaps people need to define us in order to know how to deal with us.
But sometimes the characterization is actually pretty flattering. Sometimes others think we hold a pretty powerful card. More powerful than we'd assign to ourselves.
Like how my sister-in-law thinks I'm this great runner even though I dismiss what I view as my lame performance.
I recently went on a dinner appointment (I've resigned from dating) prepared to enjoy some fascinating conversation. My dinner companion (god, I sound like I'm 90 years old) for the evening had an awesome career...the kind you only hear about on PBS or NPR. At least I thought it was fascinating.
Well, as it turned out, I was apparently the only one at the table who thought it was fascinating.
I asked how he had gotten into his field. He explained that he was unable to get into his chosen field, no matter how hard he tried, and so he basically settled for whatever he could get into at the time.
I was duly impressed. Assuming duly means not at all.
I asked if he had at least enjoyed his graduate work since he had pursued multiple graduate degrees. He said that his graduate work was disappointing since he had not pursued the highest level of graduate work.
I was even more duly impressed.
I asked if a scoop of ice cream would make up for his feeling like a big fat failure.
Actually, I didn't ask that.
But what I felt like asking was this:
If we both came to this dinner appointment this evening and you're the one who knows you the best and I'm the one who knows you the least and I started with a positive impression of you, how is it that I'm leaving with a negative impression?
If you were the only person at this table capable of creating a good impression of who you are, why didn't you?
The next day, I shared this story with my brother as we chugged up our favorite hill on River Road.
I said to him, why wouldn't a person sell themself? I would have said "sell himself" or "sell herself" if I were being grammatically correct. But grammatical correctness is the first thing to go during hill sprints.
My brother Brian, being infinitely more book smart than I, told me that a certain Rabbi Hillel said "If I am not for myself, who will be for me?"
As I panted my last breaths before dying for the tenth time on that damn hill, I was so proud that I was thinking the same thing as a wise man.
And it made so much sense.
We're the only ones who know ourselves so well. We're our own best marketers. So we should market ourselves. In a positive way.
So, if you know anybody who might be able to love and kiss a runner and writer (who happens to be a lawyer and a Boo-card holder), please tell them she's presently resigned from dating, but can always be found on her sofa. Counting her cards.