I'm supposed to be writing. I have a ton of writing to do keep current with my imaginary non-existent writing schedule. And I'm SO in a writing frame of mind today. Good mental energy, good coffee, a Starbucks location that parents with children apparently haven't discovered yet. All is well. And good.
But I just can't get a certain friend out of my mind.
I remember having a conversation years ago with this friend who, I'm sure, never appreciated my point. This friend, who we'll call "friend," was desperately searching for love. Maybe he was searching for sex. In those days, I couldn't tell the two apart. Maybe I still can't. But that's not today's topic.
Anyway, this friend, who was inarguably an appealing, adorable, sweet guy, would tout his strengths as a male candidate for love. His big ace in the hole - no pun intended - was the fact that he was a self-appointed "romantic."
Well, I tried to explain to him that one cannot annoint themselves a romantic. Yes, one may be romantic, but being romantic is not something you announce to the world. That's like wearing a sign saying "my irony is subtle."
First of all, what's romantic to one may not be romantic to another. Take that song by Boyz 2 Men or Backstreet Boyz or Boyz Who Can't Sing or whoever the group is that does "I'll Make Love to You."
NOT ROMANTIC.
At least not to me.
The guys in that song, who, I'm sure, believe they're big time romantics too, are going to "make luv" to their women just the way their women want them to. According to the song, this includes lots of candles and flowers and wine and other romantic items available in the sale bin at Bed, Bath and Beyond. I won't even ask what it means that tonight they're going to do it the way the women want. How do they usually do it? They way that makes the women call out rape and speed dial the cops?
So, is a living room or bedroom decorated out of the pages of Victoria's Secret romantic to me? Not particularly. And not because I'm a cold bitch. Believe me, being a cold bitch has nothing do with with one's ability to be romantic. Hell, I'm as cold and bitchy as they come, and yet I can romance it up with the best of them given enough alcohol and a whip.
But romance isn't about flowers, for me. And that's exactly my point. How can any guy - any guy OR girl - say they're romantic when they don't know what's romantic to the person being romanced? You might be the most romantic person in the world to someone who watches Notting Hill every weekend (not that there's anything wrong with it), but then represent a total turn off to the next person. I don't recall showing my most loving, sensitive side when I was made to sit through Pretty Woman. I'm actually not sure if I was able to stop the dry heaving after she told Richard "Gay" Gere: "In case I forget to tell you later, I had a really good time tonight." Oh god...now I know I'll never find a guy. I'd better practice lines like that if I ever expect a normal guy to want me in any way.
So, anyway,a guy who shall remain nameless happened to mention Pulp Fiction recently. Apparently, he held the movie in high esteem. Well, that's it for me, folks. THAT'S my turn on right there. Sure it would be nice if he had a convertible, a membership to NetFlix and a penchant for cereal in the pm, but honestly, Pulp Fiction was all I needed to hear.
"You had me at Pulp Fiction."
Too bad I'm not anorexic. People might have confused me just then with Renee Zellweiger.
But seriously, he truly did have me at Pulp Fiction. The rest was irrelevant. I think it turned out that he was the King or Queen or CFO of England - or something equally impressive. But who cares? The guy liked Pulp Fiction enough to mention it very early on. THAT was telling! Much more so than a tax return as far as I'm concerned.
Another friend has also recently been dumped. Or maybe he just got left alone one day. Whatever, we're trying to get him to slow down in his approach to dating. Not to show all or expect all in the first ten minutes. This guy (hereinafter referred to as "this guy") has a lot going for him. He's good looking, pretty hot in the body department, a good guy according to references, not a wife beater, AND he has lots of cool interests and a pretty neat job. But he's just not slow. He doesn't let you figure out that he's funny when you realize you're laughing...he tells you "I'm funny." I'm pretty sure Chris Rock doesn't tell people he's funny. Does Jennifer Aniston tell people she's adorable? The really authentic people - the people who really are whatever they are, are just being it....they're not talking about it. At least that's my theory of how it should be.
See, guys...the thing is that you either have the girl or you don't. You either said something that turned her on or you possibly said something that turned her off. But she already knows if she's interested. If it's true that you're romantic, or funny, or loaded, or expert at karoake, let that information come to light in its own sweet time.
And keep in mind, we're talking about whether you "had her at hello" - not whether you can keep her after hello. That's a topic for another day.
